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Eight years ago I was going through a troubled patch in my relationship post-divorce. I had come to the realisation that the differences between me and my partner could not be resolved. His outlook on life was to live on the couch with no interest in cultural experiences or intellectual development. Mine was the opposite. This quote is something I wrote on my Facebook all those years ago.
For a very long time, I struggled with my inability to truly love this person for who they were. In the end, I realised that again, just like in my marriage, I was denying my true self and not allowing my greatness to prosper and grow. "What is this pattern?" I asked myself.
Some may think I'm arrogant saying 'my greatness', you've got it wrong. My partner was living his greatness, he loved his cars (he was a mechanical savant!), family and he had a heart of gold. We talked about our differences many times and we knew his greatness wasn't matched with my greatness which is a love of science, nature, literature and people. For many years I hid my greatness to love him as best as I could. I couldn't fight it anymore, so I didn't.
After we went our ways, I spent nearly two years on my own (of course with a lover here and there) and I worked through an understanding of my nature. I made a commitment to myself that I would never stand in the dark again holding back my greatness.
You know, undoing my sexual inhibitions has a lot to do with embracing my greatness. Acknowledging that I am bi-sexual shifted a weight of shame and I have to believe lightened my step too.
So, here I am today. Giving in to my greatness (on all levels) and I have the most wonderful life. I have found my passion as The Maven; I have grown and experienced things I never thought I would do. I have not denied myself from watching the movie that I want to watch or missed out on a play because my partner didn't want to go. I am standing in my own light and my partner stands in his, and it is great.
Keep a journal to write about your feelings and pour your heart and soul into that journal as if no one is ever going to read it (keep it secret, keep it safe).
Take a good, hard and long look at yourself. Who are you? What do you really want out of life? For me, I wanted to live a life full of passion, joy and gratitude. Remembering that passion translates not just to sex, it's taking the time to revel. For me, one of my greatest unfulfilled joys was visiting galleries and museums and looking deeply at artworks, wondering what the artist was feeling. I remember seeing an unfinished piece by Norman Lindsay. I was struck by how beautiful it was and feelings of deep sadness that it will never be completed. I wondered what took him away from finishing that work.
Just stop bullshitting yourself and others that your life is fantastic. I hid behind a facade of a fake smile for many, many years. It took its toll on my body and my mental health. I should have ended my marriage years before I did and staying that long took its toll. Whatever your biggest problem is in your life today, you need to resolve it and resolve it now. As the saying goes, where there is a will there is a way.
I used to be a Catholic until I hit high school and then learned about Evolution. WTF?? No one EVER told me about that!! I felt betrayed. For many years I lived without a spirituality until shortly after my marriage ended I came across a book called 'The Unmistakable Touch of Grace' by Cheryl Richardson and I felt like someone had given me a compass to set a new direction in my life. I now know that the Universe conspires to bring me favour, it does for you too.
Being true to myself by always communicating my needs with my partner. It's not easy, you can't help but feel a bit precious - though I think we are all conditioned to feel that way. When I say 'communicate my needs' I'm not saying 'I wanna' or 'give me this', I open up to him so that I can balance my thinking. We talk, we strive to understand and we accept each other. I have smashed my habit of living my life for others' values and choices and broken the pattern of 'settling' for someone whose greatness does not compliment my own.
So, keeping my greatness comes naturally to me now. I don't have to fight it anymore. Are you fighting against yours? Have you made significant changes to your life?
If you feel a resonance with the above, please leave a comment below as you may just help the next person reading this blog.
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